How Am I Ever Going to Eat Another Corn Dog? American Horror Story, ‘Traitor’

***Spoiler Warning: Spoilers for American Horror Story through Season 8, Episode 7 follow. Spoilers***

In a jam-packed hour full of farcical fun, this week’s Apocalypse featured everything from a movie within the show, to a bananas-crazy voodoo spell and a Matrix reference, and from surprise returns to dramatic resurrections. In other words, it’s just another night in Ryan Murphy’s world and I, for one, was happy to be in it.

Kicking off with an engrossing flash to what Dinah’s been up to — making her lucrative living preparing heartshakes for rich, white women with cheating husbands and vindictive streaks — we find Cordelia and Company rounding up a little extra help in fighting off Michael. While the current Supreme attempts to make a deal (“Open the gates. I will lure him inside, and he will be condemned to roam the underworld.”) with the devilish Papa Legba (Lance Reddick), who brings along fun-loving Nan (Jamie Brewer), Madison has the snappiest quip-off with Joan Collins — now “Bubbles McGee” — since Dynasty days. Since Papa wants not one but all  of the witchy girls’ souls in trade for his help, we find (two years before the Apocalypse) Cordelia had to resort to other methods (resurrecting Myrtle), to gather as many forces for good(e) in the fight against Michael (off in the “wilderness”, by himself).

Coco’s newfound command of calculating caloric content causes her to choke on (“The only way of expanding your powers …”) a snowball — the marshmallow and coconut kind (80 calories) — but no worries; Mallory’s on the case with her magical finger-laser surgery, something Zoe’s never seen before (“I just helped her”). Assisting a sometimes-fading Supreme to her chambers, Zoe shares the revelation most viewers caught ages ago:  “I don’t think you’re fading because Michael’s the next supreme. I think it’s Mallory.”

Bubbles and Myrtle play charming spy games, plying the Grand Chancellor and Baldwin with drinks and dinner so Bubble can read their minds (“It’s perfectly clear; kill or be killed”). After Pennypacker prepares a potion that will cause (only women) witches to bleed from their pores, Cordelia pops in to call Baldwin a copycat ( [Scottish witch] “Agnes Sampson concocted the identical formula back in 1590″) and to shut up the boys, Neo-style.

Returning to Miriam’s favorite petrol haunt where, ashes to ashes … to John Henry (“I remember him being taller”) adds to the coven’s growing numbers, and reveals the titular traitor. In the hour’s delightfully dramatic final moments, Cordelia sentences a trio to their final (maybe) fiery fates. Appropriately somberly dressed and guylinered, John Henry allows Miriam her last words (“I do not fear the fire; it cleanses me”) and with a wave of his hand, the wicked are set ablaze.

Deep Thoughts:

Of all the things, Cheyenne Jackson’s GUYLINERED return is probably my favorite. Who knew we missed him so? Between his stunning look, and this casual scarf toss …

as the group walks away from the burning bodies, Jackson killed it.

I guess that’s all we’ll get of Angela Bassett this season — a passing remark about Marie Leaveau’s demise allowing for Dinah’s elevation. Speaking of, Adina Porter is so damned good, I hope she gets more screentime.

‘Twas good to see Nan and Papa, though I’m likewise bummed if (likely) that’s all we’re getting. Still, we’ve had so many cameos this season, it may end up a favorite (slightly miraculous, since Coven was not — for me).

I’m so glad Joan Collins got to return, as well. The whole opener was ridiculous, but fun (A Christmas to Dismember, “Ho Ho Ho”), as well as a shoutout to her appearance in Tales from the Crypt, and Bubbles’ repartee with both Madison and Myrtle (“To this day my mastery of the art of fellatio is unparalleled thanks to the special teacher at the table.”) made “Traitor” one of the most fun AHS episodes we’ve ever been given.

Reiterating my confusion over how and when Miriam is recreated as an android and for that matter, how the whole timeline of this season will come together. There’s a lot of jumping around — in this single episode, we traveled through several (Bubbles’ introduction, Papa and Nan, Myrtle’s resurrection, and John Henry’s). The thing about AHS is that it’s all so crazy, I don’t care about trying to get it to make sense.

Songs This Hour:

Frederic Chopin, Nocturne in E-Flat Major, Op. 9 No. 2

Alfred Jack, Red Candy Hearts

Best Lines:

When he wakes up, he’s not going to remember a thing, and from this moment on, his dick won’t get hard for anyone but you.

The only thing that matters in this world isn’t white or black, it’s green.

You haven’t the guts — Neither have you.

I suppose for you taking a shit is a form of reproduction.

Didn’t you already make this movie, before they had sound?

You and your generation think you can get what you want with the click of a mouse or a magic spell.

All hands on deck, even the ones with age spots.

Get your broom!

Yesterday was silk, but I prefer nothing.

To this day my mastery of the art of fellatio is unparalleled thanks to the special teacher at the table.

[Did you just read hers?] Like a Sidney Sheldon novel, sweetheart.

There’s an Antichrist on the loose.

I have the power of too much information. How am I ever going to eat another corn dog?

I’m basically a walking nutrition label.

Mallory has another part to play.

Oh, and a couple of those cloven hooves for that extra Satanic zing.

You dumb heretic. I’m going to boil you in my crockpot, missy.

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis has been writing about the entertainment industry for ​over eight years, and is the ​Editor-in-Chief at Oohlo, where she muses over television, movies, and pop culture. Previous Senior News Editor at Pajiba, and published at BUST.

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