Rubies or Rose Eggs and Vibrator Necklaces; Mini Cuff and Ben Wa and Pleasure Puff Rings, These Are a Few of Goop’s Favorite Holiday Things

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in America, and you know what that means …

No, not turkey and stuffing and pie, you sillies. It means we’re already full swing into the Christmas season (since before Halloween, in fact), and it also means it’s time for Gwyneth Goop Paltrow to release her annual list of ridiculous items that only winsome, willowy, wankish white women will buy.  Honestly, do people really and truly purchase such things as a $1,505.00 O-Ring, Sado-Chic Chain, and Mini Cuff jewelry/plaything?

 

 

Obviously, yes, because this next item, a “discreet vibrator masquerading as a necklace” is already sold out (as are many items). And no wonder, at only $149.00 — practically stocking stuffer prices at Goop — it’s a bargain.

Psst … is it just me or is that model about to have her first O?

Sorry, Gwyn, I didn’t mean to seem indelicate. But, after all, you do sell these sorts of things …

Have yourself a sexy little Christmas, amirite?

For the more conservative among us, no worries; Gwyneth hasn’t ditched you in the mud, as it were. Why, she’s even conveniently categorized the GoopGifts, breaking down items for your “Guy”, who obviously needs this $500.00 dartboard (comes with 6 darts!), because der, that Target dartboard just won’t convey the level of love you have.

 

Also, if you’re looking for a bargain for your man, check out the Costco/Sam’s Club-like prices on this jumbo box of FIFTEEN PAIRS OF SOCKS. Only $260.00, and each pair has the same darling dude on them — bonus, if he looks like your dude.

And if your guy is into watches, has Goop got a few steals (pretty much the only way most of us will get one) he’ll go gaga over!

Of course, if that’s a little bit of a stretch for your budget, you can always go with good, old reliable Slippers, a(nother) bargain at only $185.00.

Enough about men; as we all know, Christmas is for the kiddos. Though the “Under 18” list is rather sparse, it does include a few affordable and topical items. Girls Who Code is only $18.00,

and Rad Women Worldwide is $16.00. Save yourself  a trip to Amazon and say, “I got it at Goop!” for that extra WOW factor.

Now that the children are out of the way, let’s focus on ourselves. We’re the “Travelers” (not without our $155.00 Girlie Stuff! — which actually has nothing in it. That’s right, it’s a nylon pouch, for $155.00),

or this $495.00 Cashmere carryon Blanket.

If Sparky’s coming along, he’ll need his $100.00 travel bed,

and when we arrive at our destination, we’ll grab water in our $80.00 Smokey Quartz energy infusing Bottle

(top that, SmartWater!) and meditate, as only we can with our $185.00 Singing Bowl Set. A bowl! That Sings!

Finally, let’s close out this look at the list just as we started, by focusing on what feels good, because if anyone knows how to feel good, it’s a kazillionty-dollar-earning celebrity. Clean out your bad energy — ladies only, please — with this $55.00 Rose Quartz Egg

… practically guaranteed (or not) to do something (get stuck? Facilitate your next hospital visit?), after which you’ll definitely be ready for the feathery-filled fun times you can have with this $673.00 Marabou Pleasure Puff Ring. After all, nothing says Happy Holidays, Honey! like wearable sex toys.

Check out the rest of Gwynnie’s Guide here, and Happy Frakkin’ Thanksgiving!

 

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis has been writing about the entertainment industry for ​over seven years, and is the ​Editor-in-Chief at Oohlo, where she muses over television, movies, and pop culture. Previous Senior News Editor at Pajiba, and published at BUST.

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  • emmalita

    I’m putting the necklace vibrator and the water bottle with the rock in it on my must have list. Oh, Gwennie.