Open Letter: Following Gwyneth Paltrow’s Advice Is a Danger to Your Vagina and Your Health

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If you didn’t already realize that Gwyneth Paltrow is a danger to vaginas the world around, take another look at the header photo. Who would purposely treat her body in such a demoralizing way? That thing doesn’t even have a shot at breathing, but that’s neither here nor there. We’re here today to discuss yet another of Paltrow’s Goop sanctified and for sale vagina-related products, but this time she’s really gone too far. No really, YOU COULD DIE. Never mind the unusually non-exorbitant cost, which was apparently so tempting that the product is already sold out;

forget about the possibly harmless suggestions to steam and purify your precious privates … because this latest item is not only bizarre, it’s dangerous. In fact, the Jade Egg — aka “strictly guarded secret of Chinese concubines and royalty in antiquity” — Goop would have you shove inside your hoo-ha for “better sex, hormonal balance and female energy” could leave you open to toxic shock syndrome, never mind, stumped about how to get the thing out in the first place — no worries, just thread it with unwaxed dental floss!

JFC. I’m just going to let OB/GYN Dr. Jen Hunter explain why this is a bad idea. The good doctor wrote an open letter to Paltrow, and it’s not only informative; it’s entertaining.

Dear Ms. Paltrow,

I’ve been reading all about the jade eggs you are selling on GOOP for $55-66 a popand the corresponding interview with a jade egg enthusiast … My issue begins with the very start of your post on jade eggs specifically that ‘queens and concubines used them to stay in shape for emperors.’ Nothing says female empowerment more than the only reason to do this is for your man! And then the claim that they can balance hormones is, quite simply, biologically impossible. Pelvic floor exercises can help with incontinence and even give stronger orgasms for some women, but they cannot change hormones. As for female energy? I’m a gynecologist and I don’t know what that is!? How does one test for it? Organically sourced, fair trade urine pH sticks coming soon to GOOP for $77 I presume? …

… As for the recommendation that women sleep with a jade egg in their vaginas I would like to point out that jade is porous which could allow bacteria to get inside and so the egg could act like a fomite. This is not good, in case you were wondering. It could be a risk factor for bacterial vaginosis or even the potentially deadly toxic shock syndrome.

Regarding the suggestion to wear the jade egg while walking around, well, I would like to point out that your pelvic floor muscles are not meant to contract continuously. In fact, it is quite difficult to isolate your pelvic floor while walking so many women could actually clench other muscles to keep the egg inside. It is possible the pained expression of clenching your butt all day could be what is leading people to stare, not some energy glow …

… The only thing your post got right is to check with your doctor before using one. So let me give you some free advice, don’t use vaginal jade eggs.

I highly recommend reading Dr. Hunter’s letter in full, but even more highly (er, not while smoking or steaming) I suggest not taking vaginal advice from a celebrity. YOU COULD ACTUALLY DIE.

Oh, and in case you were wondering:

 

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis has been writing about the entertainment industry for ​over seven years, and is the ​Editor-in-Chief at Oohlo, where she muses over television, movies, and pop culture. Previous Senior News Editor at Pajiba, and published at BUST.

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  • emmalita

    Dear Gwyneth, please put your nonsense on hold so that I can expend my energy on the more immediate legal threats to my vagina.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Why stop at eggs? My mother has a lovely jade sculpture of a dolphin – just think how ready I’ll be for royal concubine duty!

    • ChainedVase

      I have a jade dragon… so pointy, yikes! But would I get dragon vagina super powers is the real question?

  • Jelinas

    *shudder*