There She Goes Again: Gwyneth Paltrow Loads Up Her 2016 Goopy Gift Guide for These “Exciting Times”

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Of all the adjectives I’d use to describe our country’s current climate, “exciting” wouldn’t be one of them. But, I guess if you’re an incredibly wealthy, insulated person, basically able to shelter your family from any semblance of the average American … oh, never mind. I can’t even begin to rationalize Gwyneth Paltrow’s very strange reaction to the 2016 election results.

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It’s such an exciting time to be an American because we are at this amazing inflection point.

People are clearly tired of the status quo, and … it’s sort of like someone threw it all in the air and we’re going to see how it all lands…The most amazing thing for me about this election is I felt … ‘I don’t understand the opposition well enough at all.’ I’m not going to tell you what side I’m on, but my big takeaway was, ‘I really need to open my mind and understand better because I don’t.’”

We’re going to see how it all lands? My gods, this isn’t a game, this is real life. And many real lives — people who won’t have real choices or options — will be, already are being affected. I guess if little Apple can jet off wherever she likes, she’ll never have to worry about Roe v. Wade being overturned, or her father being deported (well?); these issues might seem “exciting”, but personally, I’m worried about what rights my daughters will have in this country.

Regardless, me attempting to make sense of how not exciting these times are for Gwyneth Paltrow is about as likely as her explaining the sense behind a $15k dildo to me, so we should probably move on to the really silly stuff:  The 2016 Goop Gift Guide. Because, nothing says I love you like a certificate for the local vajayjay steamer. Or, for those of you who usually hunt in the dollar and under bins at the craft shop, or at Target for stocking stuffers, this year, you may want an alternative:  Under $100.00 stocking stuffers. Exciting times, these!

Here are a few Gooperiffic choices for that special someone, or to add to your own list:

Admittedly ridiculous (“but awesome”) $8,300.00 Yurt. Yes, I had to look up a Yurt, which surprisingly had nothing to do with my private parts.

Obvs, I’d wear these $765.00 gloves and $165.00 pasties to build my Yurt, and then have sexytimes inside it. No, I didn’t really read all the way into what the Yurt is actually for; what of it?

Who doesn’t love an experience gift? Get private nutritional and cooking classes for the kids. Price upon request.

Forget the kids, I need one of these $1,499.00 One Wheel  (or payments “as low as $132. a month!”) thingamabobbers.

They can instead enjoy their $100.00 personalized tree ornaments.

Carry wine to parties in the same bag you purchased it? NO EFFIN’ WAY. Use this stylish $128.00 carrier specifically made to do the job right.

The juicer. Accept no substitutes. A steal at $700.00. Too splurgy? Do your cleanse the easy, budget friendly, way.

You know, I just never thought of MOMA for my exercise equipment needs. What an oversight on my part. Look at this fine $1,500.00 rowing machine. Buh-bye gym!

Thinker Gift Guide? I like to think. I know others who think! They probably need this $1,250. ashtray and lighter set. Wait, what?

Ah, where better to think than a quiet spa? Sorry, there’s no price listed; maybe it’s FREE!

Is $365.00 too much to replace my son’s backpack? I’m pretty sure he’ll take good care of it.

Who doesn’t love cheese?!!! Only $225.00 to have creamy goodness delivered right to your door, three months in a row.

Give your favorite gardener this wonderful $100.00 carrier English Garden Trug to bring in all the fresh veggies.

Finally, for your weary business traveler friends, this $198.00 Goop Travel Kit will make those flights with the unwashed masses bearable. Add in some of Paltrow’s own natural skin products, which can — if necessary — also provide good snacking alternatives.

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Don’t forget the Xanax to go with your cocktail!

I must congratulate Gwyneth on her obvious restraint this year; there was hardly a six-figure item to be found. Exciting times!

 

 

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis has been writing about the entertainment industry for ​over seven years, and is the ​Editor-in-Chief at Oohlo, where she muses over television, movies, and pop culture. Previous Senior News Editor at Pajiba, and published at BUST.

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  • AbbySaurus

    “Yes, I had to look up a Yurt, which surprisingly had nothing to do with my private parts.”

    That gave me a good giggle.

  • emmalita

    On the one hand, we may all need yurts to live in, but on the other, if I see someone with THAT yurt, I’ll know I can knock them out and steal with little to no guilt.

  • I miss Cowgirl creamery, but not enough to pay that much for it!