Silly Rabbits, No Ordinary Vibrator Will Do! Goop’s Sex Toys Will Set You Back Up to $15,000.00

gwynaah

Is that the face of a woman experiencing the world’s best orgasm? Goop, I hope so, because she’s at it again…and by she, I mean our favorite connoisseur of the finer things in life: Gwyneth Paltrow, aka Head Goop-ster. From the woman who brought us vaginal steaming, vulvaic pink jumpsuits and Christmas gifts we commoners can only dream of, comes a new list of items to explore our most private inner selves. But if you foolishly thought Gwynnie’s self-pleasure wouldn’t come at a high price point, step back and guess again. Silly rabbits, you can’t stick just any old hunk of buzzing plastic up your…[redacted]; you need to indulge your pretty privates with the finest of devices, like this $15,000.00  24k gold dildo personal orgasm attainment aid. (You could even say it glows…)

24k

Friends, please don’t settle for less; you deserve this. And if money’s tight, just start a Go Fund Me campaign — after all, what could be a more important personal fundraising cause than your sexual well-being? Just think, WWGD (What Would Goop Do), and you’ll be on your way to the most indulgent orgasm ever.

For the mid-range budget (from $219.00) and those with a modern sensibility, Goop recommends this sleek, “Uber Posh” tuning fork/taser vibrator.

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If you really can’t swing that much, don’t fret; Goop is all about choices. There’s also this $156.00 budget model, a dual-controlled clitoral (can we say that here?) vibrator (photo not included because, well, that thing is just cheap looking).

For those of you who like to play Grey, Goop suggests just any old cat o’nine tails would never do. We deserve this $535.00 leather whip, complete with a gold heart because, you know, it’s all coming from a place of love.

cato

You like big butts and you cannot lie, so get yourself this masturbatory aid coffee table edition of The Big Butt Book 3D; a veritable bargain at $59.95 and you’ll thank Goop in the morning (*wink wink*).

And if boobs are more you thing, how about a discreet “necklace” with dangling pendants that turn into vibrating nipple clamps. This is a dual-purposed steal at only $395.00.

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I love that Gwyneth and her people scour the world for the very best of things to suit our every need. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a nearby corner where I hope to find a way to earn my keep (so to speak). A girl needs a much larger salary if her steam-cleaned vagina is going to reap these sorts of rewards. Do peruse the rest of Gwyneth’s list at your leisure, and remember, there’s no classier vibrator than a Goopy vibrator.

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis has been writing about the entertainment industry for ​over seven years, and is the ​Editor-in-Chief at Oohlo, where she muses over television, movies, and pop culture. Previous Senior News Editor at Pajiba, and published at BUST.

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  • NateMan

    I wouldn’t pay $15,000 for a Goop’s literal vagina, I can’t imagine paying that much for a sex toy.

  • ChainedVase

    Ummm, not to be too graphic but cold metal? It would feel like a speculum. No thank you please.

    • Angry dimples

      it also loos tucky as hell. what is this, drumph’s america allready?

  • Angry dimples

    i am sorry, but, um, “data storage”? what? and also, if you really need one, wouldn’t it be easier to masturbate with USB drive?