Hot Metal and Methedrine: The 2016 Met Gala Fashion Review

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Is that a perfect shot or what? Zoe Saldana (in what I’m calling the Dolce & Gabbana Confetti Peacock dress) and her husband, Marco Perego put on a show at the 2016 Met Gala, kicking off a night of fundraising for New York City’s Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute. This year’s theme was “Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology,” with a focus on the dichotomy between handmade haute couture and machine-made fashion.The annual parade of celebrities (and hangers-on) is always a delight, especially for those of us who watch awards shows just to see what glorious — or hideous — fashions our favorite famous people wear. These events also make for simply great photo opportunities, whether these romantic shots Saldana and Perego were giving the crowd,

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or, the excellent expressions on both Lady Gaga and Kate Hudson’s faces; both look like they’ve had just about enough of the cameras already.

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I’m admittedly not a big Hudson fan, but I don’t mind the top of this dress. Unfortunately, it descends into madness, and not the tits-to-the-wall, good sort of madness. This is more of an I let the kids have at it with a pair of scissors and some tulle kind of thing, which is exactly what I think Kate may have done. Obviously this photo below was taken before the ladies had grown tired of the attention. At first I wasn’t terribly impressed with Gaga’s 80s Versace thing, but then I saw an up-close look and that jacket detail, and whoa! I think she’s got a shot at Blade Runner 2, which puts her right on theme.

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The Smith siblings easily outdid Lady G. in attitude, but they may have missed that technology boat.

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So. Madonna…

Can anyone tell me what is happening with her? ANYONE? It’s as if she took every incarnation of herself over the years, and rolled them into one Frankendonna, which if you really think about it, is exactly what Madonna would do.

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Jennifer Connelly (in Louis Vuitton) and Michelle Williams are down with the 80s vibe.

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We need a breath of fresh air, don’t you think?

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I’m going to need to fan myself for a moment. While I’m doing that, you can cool off with the Ice Queen.

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Can I just say that I used to adore wild-haired Nicole (circa not-bananas-crazy-Cruise) so damned much? Unfortunately, she just kept becoming more and more polished, and all I want now is to go rumple her ‘do (and dye it back to dark red), make her laugh and find that free spirit still lurking under her kind-of-pretty moon and stars gown.

Naomi loves slinky silver, and she knows how to work it. I’m not really a fan of the Burberry appliqué, though.

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Jack Huston can get it. Uh, did I say that out loud? YEAH, I DID.

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Is Jared Leto an old butler now? Did playing the Joker break him? Should I send him used tampons?

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Love, love, love Ciara’s whole silver thing, but I do wish that lining was somehow different. That said, the dress is by H&M!

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On the other hand, I cannot say I’m a fan of Beyoncé’s Givenchy. The color, the latex-ish material…it does flatter her body, but I don’t care for it, and just the thought of wearing it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.

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She wore lemon…for her sister. Solange’s David Laport is interesting, but I’m distracted by her leggings and shoes.

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Lions and tigers and bears — no really! — Florence Welch has a bear dress. Fight that, Leo.

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I believe Kate Bosworth is wearing something (Dolce & Gabbana) from Star Trek:  That Other Generation.

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Oh Blake (in Burberry), you don’t always have to be the Peach Princess. I do like your boob eyelashes, though.

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Is it wrong that I’m digging Will.I.Am’s groove? Because, well.I.Am. (*insert collective groan here*)

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The Googles say this is is Rose Byrne in Ralph Lauren. I say she doesn’t look like herself, and the camera angles on her discowear aren’t doing her any favors.

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Even more unrecognizable is Kristen Stewart in Channel. Isn’t this just my grandmother’s boucle jacket and skirt stretched into a dress?

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Taylor Swift looks modern and fresh (if not like she’s trying a little too hard) in Louis Vuitton.

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Stop; Hiddles time. Dapper Tom’s with his Night Manager co-star, Elizabeth Debicki (who unfortunately looks about as dull as her onscreen character).

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Nikolaj Coster-Waldau does well in blue, though this stance is making him look a bit disheveled.

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Brie Larson is working that Proenza Schouler. Love.

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The top of Rita Ora’s Vera Wang gown is cool, but feathered bottoms are starting to feel passé.

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Silver is so…look, this is Katy Perry in Prada. Expensive Russian technology is always gold, y’all.

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You know, I never thought of Katie Holmes as sparkly Morticia Addams, but…thanks Zac Posen!

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Alicia Vikander’s Louis Vuitton hit the right notes…for an android who’s bringing your next Hefeweizen.

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Well, helloooo Mr. Robot.

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This is how you do gold. Rachel McAdams in Valentino (printed with lines from Dante’s Divine Comedy):  Tigress.

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Claire Danes’ Zac Posen light-up wedding dress is kind of amazing, and the way Dancy is looking at her, he’d do it all again.

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After much consideration, and perhaps a beer or two over my limit, here are my two favorites:

Lupita Nyong’o kills it every single time. Her Calvin Klein dress is alive…dripping like rain, shimmery and translucent as it falls around her. And don’t even get me started on that fabulous hair. Goddess.

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On theme, the night’s clear winner was Emma Watson in another stunning Calvin Klein. She’s a warrior, and that skirt detailing is off the charts. Holy gods, bow down beside me and pray to the Star Wars lords that she gets her own film.

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Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis

Cindy Davis has been writing about the entertainment industry for ​over seven years, and is the ​Editor-in-Chief at Oohlo, where she muses over television, movies, and pop culture. Previous Senior News Editor at Pajiba, and published at BUST.

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  • Donnatella Versace looks like a leathery specter of death in the background of that Lady Gaga shot. And boo to the severe hair and makeup on Brie Larson. It’s so no her.

    And is it just me or does Solange look like a wad of cupcake papers after a kid’s birthday party?

  • I volunteer to make Nikolaj look disheveled

    also i don’t understand fashion. but you probably knew that already

  • Valhallaback Girl

    Emma Watson won the night for me. The fact that it’s wide legged pants with a train is EVERYTHING I need. I liked Beyonce’s dress and I can’t help to think that Rita Ora is trying to out Beyonce with that dress that looks like something Bey has suspiciously worn in the past.

    • ChainedVase

      I feel like Beyonce’s dress is squeaky, It looks like it would be very hard to move in and that she’s squeak. Also at the end of the night I assume it was like Ross and the leather pants from Friends.

    • I don’t think it’s pants — she calls it a gown. MADE FROM RECYCLED PLASTIC BOTTLES. She is ah-freakin-mazing. http://www.storypick.com/emma-watson-eco-friendly-dress-met/

  • emmalita

    I did not like Emma Watson’s dress at all. But yes on Lupita. She looks gorgeous.

    • Valhallaback Girl

      You’re wrong, but I’ll defend your right to be wrong to the death.

  • ChainedVase

    I actually, weirdly, love the Katy Perry thing. Not her hair or face but the dress and long black gloves works for me. I never even had a goth phase, you guys, but I love a Morticia Addams look. See also- Katie Holmes.

    • Valhallaback Girl

      KATY PERRY’S OUTFIT WAS ASTOUNDING!

      • ChainedVase

        The more I look at it the more I like it. And it seems to actually follow the theme well- it’s machiney. Her purse is hanging from her belt!

        • Valhallaback Girl

          In the sea of shiny and chrome Balmain dresses (we get it, metal is your thing and i know, i can’t believe i’m saying it either), her dramatic velvet dress is incredible. I may not like her lack of eyebrows, but she owned it. I was hoping Sarah Jessica Parker would go nuts like she does most years, but I was so underwhelmed.

          • llp

            Did you see the explanation for SJPs outfit, though? It was really thoughtful and also stood out, I thought.

  • ChainedVase

    My protective and probably unreasonable love for Jaden Smith is well established by now, but you have to admit those kids have style. Willow is wearing the hell out of that outfit and she’s what, 15 years old?

    • llp

      I think Willow is so very stylish; distinctive like Amandla Stenberg and Zendaya. I am eager to see what these girls wear as they grow up.

  • I know it’s all about extremes, and while Rosie wasn’t that, she was my favorite. She had the best accessory! http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/05/03/00/33C0E31800000578-0-image-m-11_1462230573388.jpg

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  • Angry dimples

    i’m surprised of how much i love Stewart in this. Not enough sleeves on red carpets, i think. I also quite like Katy Perry – it is bold, it’s on theme, it is interesting and it stands out from all the people who wore silver and called it a night. and also, that dig at russian tech was balls. i dont know about you people, but i like my toster to have the ability to survive a nuclear holocaust.